Friendship
by Mell of her well-wisher
Friendship… which one? The new and exciting one where you tell your whole life story in one meeting because you are vibing with each other, you may plan the next get together, and can’t wait to see them again. Or, how about the one that you have known for 5, 10, 20+ years and you literally have gone through it all — love, loss, victories, experienced joy, and annoyance with each other. You may go days, weeks and sometimes years without seeing each other and it feels “just like old times” every time you re-connect, or you may see them often. Then there is the unexpected friend, the one who showed up for you one day. You weren’t close prior to their caring gesture but no matter the differences in your age, race, gender or place in life you now can’t imaging going through life without this person who you know “sees you”.
It’s a power word, isn’t it? If someone labels you as “my friend” you have a commitment to hold this person with care, like an unsaid contract or creed to honor. The social responsibility can be both, prideful and hindering, depending on if this friendship serves you or drains you.
Friendship is a journey that requires navigation as it evolves. What is the compass you use to stay true to the “pact” to be friends forever? The hope that you will forever have this person or those people in your life to laugh with, cry with, encourage you and empower you to be resilient and offer you hope. Hope is a beautiful compass. If we remind ourselves of the kind of friend we hope and strive to be — one that withstands society and peer pressure — there is hope you will always find your way back to “togetherness, in one friendship”.
What about the same friendships during this time of a pandemic and so many other social calls to action in race, inequality, etc. How do our friendships evolve? Or what limit do we allow them to be stretched to? I am reminded of the importance of being mindful that not all friends I have are experiencing this time in the same way.
I can’t assume my friend who is in her younger 30’s is doing “well” because she doesn’t have a kid or kids running around driving her mad — she may feel alone and isolated. I can’t assume my friend that is always positive isn’t feeling overwhelmed and crying often because everything is not ok. I must remember to ask even the “ok” friends, “how are you doing?”. I can’t assume my mama friend with 3 kids is struggling as she may be thriving and feeling bad that others are not able to “experience the joys” that she is able to manage.
Being that we are all walking in completely different shoes our experiences may very well be as different as the colors in the rainbow. With all of this said, how do we ensure we are getting our needs met, do we notice when we are feeling depleted, and need to be recharged in a way that only one of our friendships has the power to do? As there is no perfect answer and definitely not a one size fits all friendship answer, I am brought to the words — vulnerability, offering hope and holding each other with empathy.
Throughout life, but especially during this time, friendship can be the key, the support, the back bone, the “…at least I have you”, “I got your back, I know you got mine”, and the “I will offer you hope when you don’t see it.”
Now, let’s apply unconditional positive regard to our friendships. Regardless of difference in race, motherhood or non-motherhood, age, time spent, placement, life situation — plug in all other special circumstances that exist in a friendship… Unconditional positive regard is the approach to friendship that you would hope that they would see your intention and even when your action may not mirror your intention, your FRIEND will know that and hold you with empathy and non-judgment. They will also know that as we are quick to hold our intention so dear to heart, that often we cannot always carry said intention through action.
Friendship is allowed to be sticky, and light hearted. Friendship is allowed to be what you need it to be in all stages in your life, in the same breath, allow your friends to grow, don’t hold them to the past “…well you’ve always been that way” free them, as they may need that to move on to their best possible self. Love them with unconditional positive regard, and hold empathetic safe space for them as it may be all they have. Imagine a world in which friends are friends, period.
