Suicidal
by Mell of her well-wisher // edited by Anne Callan
Let me warm up and into this by saying, he was a boy. He loved Batman blankets and burgers. He said simple is always better. He was young and finding his way, loved his family all in specific special ways, loved dogs, camping, fishing, Halloween. And he was a boy that committed suicide.
Suicide doesn’t “look” like anything. You will never expect it to happen to your loved one. Maybe you can imagine yourself saying “I’d rather die, than…” but the micro-differences along the spectrum of hopelessness are quiet and will shock you. You can point your finger and say, “Oh that boy will take his life because look at where he is in life…”
No. You can love that human, you can try to endlessly help that kid, you can change his environment, you can get him counseling. All are acts of love and not giving up. I say this to say the most important thing you can do is pay close attention and try to get to the “why”. Average intervention won’t cut it… and sometimes we still lose them. There is hope in early intervention, there is hope in the right school, friends, support, sports, understanding, and unconditional hope. This was a teenager.
For whatever he held on the exterior, he had something he was fighting, so deep down. He was a young and loving boy, wanting to be accepted; none of us is sure what the internal struggle was. We knew because of his actions and because he voiced it that there was struggle, but nothing on the outside reflected how extreme a danger he was to himself. We thought, “He’s a teenager, a boy — man, it must have been hard!” We all tried separately and sometimes together to offer him love and find a way for him to find happiness, but whatever he was seeking wasn’t there. We couldn’t help him because he didn’t know what he needed, or so I think.
How could one human being, especially so young, see no hope or no true ending where there could be peace and happiness and acceptance? We didn’t understand his struggle, so we couldn’t help him envision his ending.
Suicide takes the one life, and leaves many lives in shambles. Suicide leaves questions and doubt, sorrow and sadness that not even over time gets better, acceptance that not even over time is understood. I rely on knowing that he was too young to make a decision, but he didn’t know that and so he committed suicide and left us with the thoughts one leaves you with when they take their life away from you! Suicide doesn’t offer explanations because it’s forever. It’s forever; the human is gone. There’s no opportunity to ask questions or solve the problems. There’s no hope left for that human because that human is gone, and when that human is a child, the hope left in others’ lives may also be gone.
I have told myself that it’s not my memory and I can’t relive or revisit that moment with him in which he found absolutely no hope. I refuse to live in pain although it is painful.
Suicide is the solution with no reason! It is a forever choice, one that can’t be taken back! Please believe, taking your own life doesn’t take the pain you cause others. You leave behind the pain and the sorrow of losing you and the regret of not being able to provide you with help. Suicide is forever. Young suicide is forever. The biggest question I will ever have in my life is how to accept this without regret and sadness.
He was the light of my life. Even when he was mad, frustrated, lost, made bad choices, still he would look at me and tell me he loved me! No matter what, he still looked at me and had that light in his eyes and all those things could have been different now, but they aren’t. Although he thought he could change the world by leaving it, he was wrong!
The day I learned that he had committed suicide my world stopped for a number of days. I have no memory, I don’t remember where I walked, I don’t remember what I said, I don’t remember if I saw you. Suicide tears people that love you apart, and they never come back together the same. Yes, they live, but they will never be the same knowing that they could not provide you with hope. They will never be the same. They will never have another day to be with you, see you, hug you, laugh with you. Your people will never see your face again or tell you they love you again, and that hurts.
Suicide is forever. A complete loss of hope may be momentary. Real change can be offered to you if you reach out, but if you don’t you may feel helpless and hopeless. Many people all over the world are hopeless, every day, every minute, and they don’t know where to turn. As I write this today, I am lost.
I am forced to remember that next week is your birthday! You will not call me and tell me what the newest coolest thing is. We will not be planning your birthday party for you and your best buds. I won’t be able to call and sing to you and make you blush, these things are forever gone. My son will never know you, he will only love you through me, through my memories and my love for you. He will know you because he sleeps with your blanket every night. He’ll know you because we love you and hold you so dear. He loves you as if you are with him, but he doesn’t know you as he would if you were here. God, I pray you’re with him. I hope that this decision that you made for us allows you to be with us and my son always. And if he can live bright days and change the world or give someone else hope or help a friend through whatever you were going through then maybe he’ll know you, in the only way possible.
As for now as a seven-year-old he knows cousin Cole is his mom’s favorite boy next to him. He knows that you are gone and he knows he’ll never meet you again, but he loves you so much and that is because of how much you are loved.
I am not angry that you decided this for yourself and for us. All I can do is navigate through. All I can do is forgive the universe for allowing this to be true. It’s as true as my love is for you! We’ve always said that we love you to the moon and back. Nothing could be more true, even though you’ve been gone for so many years. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of you or how much you would enjoy being at the ocean with us. Daily, we think of how you would’ve liked something or how much fun you would have had teaching my son what it is that you know, the truths of love or how to ride a scooter. Now I will do that in memory of you, and I will smile with hope and dream of you watching over us.
I am now scared in a way a mother shouldn’t have to be. I remind myself to always follow up on this or that in case this or that could be what will make him feel lost, unsupported, sad, mad… I know now: a young boy can take his own life in a moment of feeling like all is lost forever. Probably this pain does make me more mindful with holding my son in empathy, with patience, with understanding and curiosity. So that is a gift.
So whether you are feeling lost and hopeless, or if you know someone who appears to be having a hard time, keep reaching out. Never stop reaching out. If you can provide hope, through a memory, a smile, or just sitting by someone, do it. If you don’t have any hope but can allow someone to offer it to you, not to fix you or make you feel better because maybe that’s not possible, but just to help you smile or remember a better time, do it.
Suicide is forever, for everyone. We never heal, we are never OK with you not being here. I love you Cole! I wish you would have done something different, but you didn’t and now you’re gone forever. I have courage to believe that someone will read this and it will help them reach out, or look closer and follow up. This gives me hope.
